Crisis of Identity
Starting a new school is never easy. Especially in a foreign country at an age when you are aware of how different you are from everyone else around you.
​
How do I explain to my parents that everyone at school stared at me because my lunch was rice and curry and it smelt weird compared to everyone else’s? How do I tell them that no one wanted to play with me because I looked unfamiliar to them? How do I tell my parents that my classmates would force me to say certain words because they knew I couldn’t pronounce them properly?
​
How do I explain to my immigrant parents, who gave up every bit of happiness to give me a better life in Canada, that I was having a terrible time? That I wanted to take the three flights back home? How do I tell them that they made a mistake? That they bought me to a country that hated me,
Hated my colour,
The way I speak,
My food?
​
It felt like I was being rejected by more than the people—that I was being kicked out because I wasn’t good enough. As a little girl of ten, I couldn’t meet the expectations that were set up for me in my head.
​
​
However, I still had a sense of hope—I thought I had a destiny. Moving to Canada could be a new chance at happiness for my family.
​
But, I went to school every day knowing that my parents were doing jobs that were demeaning. I went to school wearing my mother’s jacket knowing that she was going to work without it during our first winter. I went to school knowing that my older brother was being bullied at school, that he was being hurt.
​
That even the police officers at the airport will triple check you and go through the family laptop because my parents did not speak the way Canadians spoke?
​
Everyone thinks that children don’t notice. But I noticed every single act of racial discrimination, every single moment of othering. I stayed up at night scared that my life would be like this forever if I don’t become like the foreigners that surround me.
​
How does a child of 10, who doesn’t have a single friend in Canada, who is so different, understand what it means to be Canadian? I so badly wanted to be a Canadian, so badly to speak like them, act like them, become someone who could not be othered. But how do I shed my Sri Lankan identity?
artist statement
This free verse poem was written during a particularly turbulent time in my undergrad, and it highlights an emerging identity crisis that has followed me since I immigrated to Canada, in 2009. It contains deeply personal moments that demonstrate feelings of isolation and humiliation. This piece follows a child of 10, who is attempting to navigate a world that was supposed to welcome her. Instead, she comes to realize that she has stumbled upon an alien world in which she clearly does not belong. She belongs neither here nor there: in a liminal space, she struggles to find the sense of belonging that she craves. The questions asked in this poem remain unanswered, as it demonstrates my ongoing challenge of attempting to fit in and find the sweet spot between my Sri Lankan and Canadian identity.
​
The pressures that I faced were often unseen by my peers and teachers. Many teachers ask why their students neglect to pay attention, easily fall behind, or avoid school. The answer is often hidden. As a young immigrant, it was more than learning the intricacies of the English language—it was adapting to the new a social environment, acclimating to a new climate, understanding the norms of the Canadian culture, and trying to keep up with schoolwork that I could not relate to or fully understand. Along with all this, there was the underlying realization of how different I was and will always be (Mountz, 2009, pp. 328–329).
​
As such, I now teach with the awareness of the unseen pressures that my students may be facing. I can never understand the exact feelings of stress and tension that my students face, but I can certainly teach with empathy and careful consideration. I chose this free verse poem filled with unanswered questions for this anthology because my lived experience of the transition between Sri Lanka and Canada shapes my beliefs and values about teaching. As an English and Social Studies teacher, I strive to adapt the curriculum to be relevant to my students, to not only generate interest, but provide them with the means to reflect and understand their own experiences. It is important to remember that this free verse poem only highlights a very specific and individual experience of a young female immigrant.
Reference
Mountz, A. (2009). The Other. In Key concepts in political geography (pp. 328–338). SAGE Publications Ltd.